Coming off hormone contraception – depression 

Today I am low. It’s been 5 days roughly since I decided to come off the pill, during that time;

  1. I’ve had my period start (which btw is 10x more painful and disastrous when off the pill) I didn’t think it would take effect this quickly but.. oh boy!.. it has. 
  2. Mood swings galore. 
  3. Insecure about everything about myself to the point where I feel literally useless and pathetic 
  4. I want every day just to end. I look forward to being back in my bed. Sleeping. Doing anything basically other than being awake. Or having my eyes open atleast. 
  5. Extra horny but not enough energy to do anything about it. 
  6. My boobs hurt ALOT 

So, overall, not good, but like I said I’m having my period and I’m feeling extra strength crazy at the moment anyway. I’m also having hot flushes, even right now as I’m typing. 

I’ve read some other side effects online and from what I can see the most common are 

  1. Weight loss
  2. Mood swing
  3. Pmt may be worse 
  4. You may be more horny 
  5. More painful/heavy periods 

But all this I still, even when I feel lo as hell right now, is STILL better than being on fake hormones for over a decade. 

Because ultimately I want to be baby free and happy. Clear. 

I’m on enough meds as it is right now.

So, next week I’m going to get the no hormone coil fitted, I’m very scared but I’ll tell you my progress! May be a good idea to get the higher strength CBD beforehand.. 

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An open letter to the people who burgled us

 

I’m writing this on the laptop you failed to steal, it’s still covered in the dust used to find your fingerprints.

I was at work when my boyfriend called me, shaken, explaining how you had broken into our home through the bedroom window, trashed the place and stolen some of our important belongings.

You even tried to steal my camera, my camera is my life.

And what for? to delete all the photographs on the card, sell it, buy drugs, then do it all again to another innocent couple or family.

You walked around in my bedroom, i made the bed that day, it was a mess when i got home, you walked all over my white window ledge, you hand-picked my favourite shopping bag to carry all the things in our home you wanted to steal.

How many times have you done this? you didn’t break the window, you got out in time, you’ve definitely done it before..

You could have hurt the one i love, if i was home would you have hurt me?

I bet you expected us to have lots of expensive things, you took a look at our building and thought, they wont notice a few laptops or ipads missing, theyre loaded, i bet you were disappointed, we’ve worked hard for everything we have, we work hard to keep everything we have.

If you decided to use your brain for good in this world you’d understand what that feels like.

I came home after a day of earning money and hard work to find my belongings gone because of you, you don’t want to earn or work, you want to waste your life away and im helping you do that.

You stalked us, you knew when we left the house, you probably followed me home. You watched my boyfriend leave then made your way in to my home.

If i ever see you when i leave my second job at a pub walking home at 4am after a long shift, you’re not getting £1.50 or a half eaten box of chips.

I’m scared in my own home, i may need counselling.

I hope the high was worth it.

 

Portraits for self confidence

Photoshoots to soothe the soul

after a bit of creative block, i invited my friend over for some tea, kitten cuddles and some natural light portraits.

(you can see the full set on instagram @_perfectlycandid)

I love natural light images. these havent been edited apart from light contrast alteration to ensure they’re all evenly lit when seen next to each other. (apart from the back and white one obviously) Scroll to see the images.

I’ve interested a few more girls to have more shoots like this in the coming weeks, it’s a great way to boost confidence and allows you to love your natural beauty.

50mm 1.2, natural light only.

Model: Emily Hannah

Necklace: Agharta Jewellery

 

Self portrait shoot

I was feeling inspired earlier, partly by the wonderful new pale blonde wig i bought, and ive set up a little daylight studio in the bedroom so i had a mini self portrait shoot.

used a 50mm 1.2 lens, daylight mimic bulbs, i used the awesome app that connects my phone to my camera to get it just right too.

I found this awesome artist too who inspired me to do something like these again, more test shoots with self portraits to come before my proper shoot on the 30th with my lovely model friend Emily

More on IG @_perfectlycandid

 

Watch this space! 🙂

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Missing you

Last night was the first night id been back in my old room and my old bed since moving out, i miss my boyfriend and my kitten terribly, and the little home we made.

I’m currently waiting for my Mum to get out the bath so we can have some ‘girlie time’.

I’m home because ive had to have a horrible test done today and i have physio tomorrow at 8am. Then another doctors appointment then i can leave all the irritating problems i face now and then for a fun underwear photo shoot back at the flat.

Last night was hard sleeping without him.

My room even smells of him.. i know that isn’t possible, i think my brain is just forging it now.

People keep asking me how its going because it’s all moved so fast and i almost feel confused by the question, they don’t understand how i feel, i’m utterly infatuated.

 

 

My Alter Ego

A second self or different version of oneself;  Such as a trusted friend or the opposite side of a personality.

You know when you’ve had an argument with someone and later on you think ‘Oh, i should have said that‘ and you’re just certain that if you had remembered or thought to say that better word or sentence or acted in some better way right then and there the whole moment would have gone exactly as you’d planned… but not at the time.

I like to think of those moments being said by a ‘better’ me.

A personified manifestation of my.. shortcomings? my regrets, things i’m too scared to do or say, things i possibly am already but my insecurities are clouding my view and understanding of them, shoulda woulda coulda in human form.

And i’ve always wanted to meet her, but we never seem to be in the same place at the same time, we keep missing each other.

She smokes, she inhales between sentences and pauses for dramatic effect, not hand rolled, those long posh ones, her nails are long and red, she’s always got something interesting to say, she’ll shake her head and roll her eyes at you.

She walks with attitude, when you’re passing her on the street she’ll glance at you without turning her head, confidently. She wears heels to work and proudly stomps around in them on top of wooden floors. She never complains about her feet hurting.

She never dyed her hair so its super long and thick and it waves in the wind like a cloak as she struts through life in her high heels.

One day i’ll look down on her

 

 

 

Truthfully Happy

Laid on the bed, lights dim, both in lounge around the apartment clothes, new kitten exploring her new kingdom, food on the way, opening credits to a film rolling, tangled in a comfortable web, basking in the love, stroking each others skin, we shut out the world when we’re in this room.

‘We’ve sort of run away you know’

‘Thank-you for choosing me’