You look fine to me

So, here we go again, yet another ‘the truth behind my obscure illness’ a ‘hear my story’ blog post. You’ve probably read 100 of these.

This isn’t the same, at least its intent is very different.

The purpose of this is to change my perception of my reality.

Since i was diagnosed i was confused, a bit lost, i thought it would be a minor inconvenience at most. I actually used to forget i had it, id only bring it up at parties, id suddenly remember and think ‘oh yeah, im more unique than i once thought, hurrah for the wonder that is me.’ It used to sound impressive, people’s reactions to it were different because my attitude towards it was different. This was around ten years ago. I can’t even imagine, let alone remember, how that felt. I’m still grieving.

It was interesting to read online about it, i had maybe 3 out of 50 symptoms. I just felt unique. It was like when all my friends started their period and i felt like the lucky one because i barely felt any pain, but just like this, it soon crept up on me.

my diagnosis was strange and abrupt. I felt pain in my hip, or my right femur bone.. or my coccyx, i still don’t know. And after complaining for ages about the pain to various GP’s i got referred to the hospital to have a scan, they found nothing unusual, then i was plonked down on a bed, the doctor grabbed my wrist and touched my thumb to my arm (i didn’t know i could do that) gave me my diagnosis, with little to no information, then sent me away, i felt like an injured deer in headlights.

i met a girl online, tumblr i think, she was telling me all she knew about the illness and i suddenly felt in the dark, she was so prepared she knew how to take care of herself, so much more than i did. i felt so lost and almost angry.

I can’t remember exactly how old i was when i started to feel pain, i remember the right knee used to pop out-of-place when sitting by the fire next to my Mum when we went to my Aunties house. Me and my Mum gravitate to fire places and radiators cause were always cold. I remember feeling very resentful i couldn’t do that anymore without risk of injury. It was the most pain id ever felt and id sort of done it to myself. Just by sitting down. I grabbed my Mum’s arm and i didn’t know what to do, i just shifted and it popped back in, i was a bit scared. I’ve done it 700 times since, it never gets easier.

i used to sit in a funny way, i used it as sort of party trick, it looked so bizarre like i was from the circus. its hard to explain without actually showing you but my legs were like two right angles opposite each other. People would try to do it and failed every time. Hearing people say ‘Woah! how do you do that?!’ did make me feel strangely special. Years later, id see photographs of people’s children sitting in the same way on social media support groups with warnings like ‘ do not let your child sit like this’ or ‘if you see your child sitting like this get them checked out asap. I can’t get into that position now without hurting myself.

So far, in the story anyway, my right knee occasionally subluxing or dislocating without any warning whatsoever was the only pain id experienced. It was scary though, i knew deep down id would get worse. i still do.

my first physio session felt slightly impersonal. There were people there who’d been in-car accidents etc. No-one with long-term illness’ or chronic pain, maybe two, but i didn’t feel i should be there. I did have one to one physio consultations before i got referred to the classes which were once a week for a few months. I was given splints and socks that i still wear now. I was told about all the things i was doing wrong like the way i put on my shoes, the way i sit or sleep, even the way i walk. Basically everything you do without thinking, i now had to think about.

My first physiotherapist asked me that i did for work, at the time i was still in university, im finding it hard to remember exactly what i was doing or how i felt during that time… that’s the problem with this, i get brain fog and forget big chunks of my life before the pain really set in.

University was one of the best things i ever did. I met so many amazing people who are my life long best friends. i matured so quickly it was even visible to me aswell as my family, and my now ex boyfriend. During this time i started taking my illness much more seriously, i started on the serious pain medication and was doing physio exercises in my bedroom twice a day, or as much as i could. i also started asking more important questions about the illness, they told me it’s very possible i have an enzyme deficiency. Meaning i am a non-responsive pain patient. Its called a CYP-2D6 deficiency and it basically means your body doesn’t respond to the analgesic properties of opioids, meaning you don’t feel the affect of pain killers, it’s a genetic disorder. It could be responsible for my eczema, brain fog, headaches and some of my joint pain.

After reaching this conclusion i was prescribed some tramadol and, finally! something that worked. i could function again! i felt like i could get on with my life.

A chronic pain patient with the inability to feel pain killers, thankyou universe!

Around this time i started getting mentally drained because of it. I had to start cancelling plans, letting my friends down, I’d never had to do this before. The guilty feeling started and it hasn’t stopped since. Of course, I have the best and most caring and loving friends, it would never ever be a problem because they know it’s not my fault. It is the way it makes me feel, the bad taste it leaves behind. Like its controlling me or its winning. Stopping me from having a good time. Having to do this whilst at Uni is especially hard since the time with your new-found family is precious and limited.

I got my first job in a photography studio working as both a photographer and an editor, so sometimes I am sitting at a desk and other times on my feet all day. Not one is better than the other really. But i was never about to let my condition affect the beginning of my career. It started to get quite painful.

I was weeks out of uni, not even fully unpacked and id got a job in my industry. I was so proud and very motivated. Id grown and matured so much during university and the pain endurance was a big part of that. I was working four days a week and doing freelance work on my days off. I have one rest day a week and that seems to be enough. I say rest day so casually because it comes very natural to me now, but, i basically get up a couple of hours later than usual, have a bath, take my pain killers, get into clean pj’s and get back into bed and binge on whatever i fancy at the time. I have to do this to sort of refresh my body and mind. Some days after a heavy week my ankles swell so badly i can’t walk without limping quite badly and that’s when im at risk of dislocating something.

Pain meds are an issue because they suppress your hunger yet they make you very sick if you take them without food. They also keep you awake. So to make up for that i was prescribed muscle relaxants to help me sleep and try to cure the tension caused by my literally tensing my body up when im in pain. But those are awful and mostly make me feel sick and give me.. interesting nightmares.

I started adjusting my habits, looking after myself a little better, eating better, to enhanced the way my body reacts to the pain medicine. I had another injury a few months into my new job, i opened a very stiff fridge door and dislocated my right shoulder tearing every ligament in the process, i managed to knock it back in myself but i was in a sling for about a month. I then got referred back to physio for a third time.

I asked to see a rheumatologist. Just to get some more advice and information. the appointment was short but we covered quite a few topics contraception, diet, habits, work, personal life, how i relax, even going out drinking, etc.

Turns out it’s a genetic condition, one of which no one in my family has, it must have skipped a few generations, or its a genetic mutation, it kills me to see how much it hurts and confuses my parents when they see me in agony and they can’t help.

Nothing, since all of this, very notable has happened since. I had to call, or rather my boyfriend called 111 because id ran out of tramadol and couldn’t get into bed, i just cried out of frustration. I was able to see a doctor at 2am and got some muscle relaxants.

I’m sure it wont be the last time i have to do this, the harsh truth is, in order to not injure myself, i have to be very careful, don’t move too much, don’t dance, don’t have too much sex, dont lift anything heavy, get everyone else to do things for you, don’t have too much fun, i dont want to live like that, ive gone for ten years wanting to forget i have this thing, scared to become addicted to my pain medication.

But that’s no way to live.

I want to leave some marks while im here, bloom, take up space.

I refuse to grieve for the girl i used to be before the pain.

Damn right im going to dance, ill run a marathon if i feel like it, ill tear off my knee and wrist splints with reckless abandon.

All in all, i have a great job, im young, only 25, i have my whole life ahead of me, I’m already fighting the odds. I have a great personal life, a very supportive partner, family and friends. I tried to write this in the order of when i first got diagnosed, but its difficult with the amount of brain fog i experience,

It’s been ten difficult years, I can safely say that it’s getting progressively worse, i feel it every day, its terrifying, but i am taking photographs of it, im writing in my blog about it, ive done university projects on it, ive made awareness videos about it, im writing about it right now, as much as my heart is pounding and im trying not to cry, I’m doing it.

It’s not going to beat me down.

I may come home from work with swollen ankles, my trapped nerve in my back hurts so much im crawling to the sofa just to collapse, cry and fall asleep only to do it all again the next day.

It doesn’t come with an instruction manual, I’ve been sent away by doctors, some have said my pain isn’t real, some have said its irrelevant, some have said to suck it up, some have said ‘you don’t look ill‘ or ‘you look fine to me‘ ‘some have it alot worse than you’ ‘she’s probably doing it for attention’ ‘how can she dance like that if she’s so ill’ .

I’ve been told to think twice before considering to have children. I might never recover. It might even be impossible.

I wake up every single morning to pain but im not letting it stop me.

This is my reality.

Diagnosis:

  • Ehlers Danlos Syndrome type 3
  • Non-responsive Pain Patients with CYP-2D6 Defect

 

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a big fat lush review

”So, i walked into Lush and said ‘ive got bad eczema and spots, help me” and this is what i came out with

PLEASE NOTE: I’ve just bought another product and couldn’t be bothered to take an updated photo, just fyi. im lazy.

OBJECTIVES: Eczema, spots, dryness, back pain.

OKAY, first one.

Dream Cream

erm, there’s two types of this, mine is the self preserving 470g. It’s ingredients like oat milk, coco butter and extra virgin olive oil mean it’s got a thin consistency, i personally find it annoying vigorously rubbing in body butter, its great that its thick but i need an assistant to do all the arm breaking rubbing. It’s so thin and smooth it just rubs in and dries nice and quick so we can get on with our day.

Experience: ive got pretty severe eczema on my arms, hands and sometimes neck, i avoid putting anything too strong on my neck normally but this has worked really well. its beautiful on my hands and arms as it sets in and dries quick and doesn’t leave me feeling like i want to itch. I also sometimes wear a latex corset to keep my back straight due to my EDS and occasionally i break out into a rash as, annoyingly, im allergic to latex, so if i put dream cream on before and after i wear the corset it seems to either stop the rash from coming or soothes it if i do have a break out. P.S latex allergies are pretty serious, i wear a thn tank top under the corset all the time, you should too, if this applies.  

It smells BEAUTIFUL, its awesome for your skin, £19.95 for a huge tub or £6.25 for a small one, the ingredients occur naturally in your bodies essential oils so there’s nothing to moan about!

Ultrabland

Cleanser, and a brilliant makeup remover. Almond oil, honey, rose and beeswax (soz vegans)

The beeswax means that if you use it on a morning aswel as before you go night night, it helps keep your makeup on and acts as a natural primer, extra awesome. I use this twice a day and you don’t need alot to remove all of your makeup, even eyeliner and mascara.Just rub it all over your dry face and eyes like moisturizer then remove with warm water or cotton wool. Its £11.95 for a big 100g tub. and its nice having a moisturizing alternative to makeup wipes which i think can make your eyes rather raw.

It smells alot like Dream Cream becaue of the almond oil, its a popular ingredient if you have senstive skin/exzcema on your face/neck. Also, i love how you can just rub it all over your eyes and it doesnt sting.

Angels on Bare Skin

Face & body wash

Again, ground almonds are a big ingredient in this. Along with lavender oil, rose, chamomile and other pretty flowers.

It looks a bit odd, or like you could eat it, because its a dry, nobbly substance that you mush into a paste in your hands before applying to your face/body, but its so much better than any other face wash ive ever used, and ive used tonnes. trust.

The first and best thing i noticed is it doesn’t make your skin feel tight, i used to think that was a good thing but it isnt. Your face feels moistened after washing it off and drying your face. It’s great for getting rid of blackheads and great for redness. I usually get eczema around my lips and eyes and it does smooth out the texture of my skin in my problem areas. You only need a small pinch because as soon as you add water to it it kind of multiplies and turns into a creamy paste, so your money goes further. Also, it isnt an everyday wash, as its got such rich ingredients in, id recommend maybe twice a week, unless you’re having a bad skin day. £6.95 for a 100g pot.

 

Ultrabalm

Multi purpose balm

In the book it says ‘perfect for bits that chap and chafe’

you can use it on pretty much anything, (not toast) last time i was in store i noticed a few of the staff pulling it out their aprons and using it on their lips or hands, i think its a very popular favourite.

You can use it to heal tattoos, to dry spots, to dry shaving accidents, flyaway hairs, unruly eyebrows or dry elbows. Jojoba oil, and rose wax (this one IS vegan) its like a better vaseline, its also got a slighty rough texture, but its also really comforting and soft, it feels as if it’s exfoliating your lips as your rubbing them together. It’s amazing for smothering your mouth with before you go to sleep and waking up feeling like your face was made from butter and your lips were the softest thing on this earth. It lasts for ages, and ive had a few friends say they’ve had their pot almost a year, so get yourself one and take it everywhere! ive got one in my bedroom and one in my handbag so im never without it. (get a life alice)

£9.25 for a cute, round silver 45g tin

 

Skin Drink

(the sample  pot, the tiny one with the pink scribbles on it, yeah that one)

I got the full sized pot the other day after trying the sample, i basically used the sample in one sitting so i needed a full sized one! Again, this is amazing for ribbing all over your eyes and knowing it’s not going to sting like mad, which is great cause my eyes are usually dry, red and stinging anyway! Its thin in consistency and smooth, it smells amazing, ingredients like sesame oil and avocado make it smell really earthy and natural. It also has almond oil in it (again!) and cocoa butter, which is awesome for your face. it sets in and dries nice and quick and doesn’t leave an oily feeling on your skin when you put it on before bed. It’s really hydrating. £12.95 for a 45g tub. Great on eczema and its been clearing my spots up really well, i use it after ive used ultrabland and they work well together (and smell awesome together)

Full of grace

Facial serum, in vagina shaped bar form.

This leaves your skin feeling soft supple and soothed.

Fresh Portobello mushrooms and almond oil, among others, work to make your skin feel renewed. Im not entirely sure what tones or serum do for your face, but ive used it as directed a few times during the week, mainly if im home all day and dont intend on putting on makeup, or if ive had a bad skin day, as a rescue balm before i go to sleep as kind of ‘leave on conditioner’ It smells amazing, it can be put under your eyes and wont sting, it’s just beautiful and it ticks all the boxes in terms of sorting out my skin issues. It can’t be worn under makeup as it’s too greasy , it acts as a sealant rather than a moisturizer that sets into your skin, it sits on the surface instead. So use it as a heavy cream.

It’s a little bar that you rub into your hands and apply with your hands, or, if you enjoy the little things in life like i do, just rub the bar directly onto your face, cause it feels beautiful that’s why.

Bars from lush come in these little bags which eventually become useless so id recommend getting a little tin with a lid you can keep them in cause they usually take a while to dry after you’ve used them, you can get a lush tin on the cheap. – £8.25 for a 20g bar. And its vegan (yay?)

Wiccy Magic Muscles

(this is the joint pain one)

Cinnamon and peppermint oils for the beautiful and relaxing smell and a nice sized, feels comfy in your hand (of your boyfriends hand) as you massage it into your joints (id recommend lower back) one side is the smooth area where you would rub onto the pained area to create massage oil, then turn the bar over and the hard, seeds on the surface to massage your muscles, leaves your skin feeling hydrated and healthy and soothes your aches, what more can we ask for? £6.50 per bar.

P.S anyone with EDS reading this thinking.. massage bar? bitch please, i need 100g of tramadol to feel normal, i totally understand, this does work, but it doesn’t totally take the pain away, i do think, though, that it relaxes you enough so that your muscles arent tense, which helps all the more.

 

..And that’s all of them!

I use all of these regularly and they’re the bees knees.

Side note: there;s another amazing product that is in some ways even better than all of these combined, but Lush don’t sell it for skin care, just hair care, i will do a separate post on that later! stay tuned:)

Also, you can always get tester pots from Lush if you’re unsure, for example, i got full of grace for free because i wasnt sure, the staff are passionate about helping you and don’t want to give you something that you’ll be disappointed with. Make sure you ask a member and be sure to be specific 🙂

Enjoy

 

 

Pain management

Currently laid in bed -yeah, I can’t sleep, good look to me If I get this job I’ll have to be at the train station 7am sharp, yeah right! – thinking of the episode of corra where Izzy, fellow eds type 3, is supposedly going to jail for using weed as pain relief, I take around 150mg tramadol and 400mg paracetamol/ibuprofen daily. It might work, temporarily, but I know for a fact a plant or even the oil without thc isn’t just ‘not as harmful’ but it’s beneficial in many ways. This country needs to get its priorities straight, so many people suffering, instead we take 64738 pills a day rather than a sip of oil. Why? It boils down to money. Always money.