breaking my photographers writers block

i’ve been so down lately, and its for two main reasons:

i stopped taking my meds because its massively affecting my sex drive and evidently my paranoia – even though my very loving and supportive boyfriend keeps assuring my it hasn’t changed anything, i know its my fault and it makes me feel guilty.

i quit my job as a result of a few joint dislocations so i’m earning no money with lots of time of my hands, so ive decided to use my time building my portfolio and modelling to earn a small amount of money and to buck my spirits up.

the lovely weather inspired me to take some summery images – not my usual style.. but i love trying new things.

a walk in the long grass.

ill be shooting every few days till September so there’s plenty more to see here.

image copyright to Divine Distortion Photography
image copyright to Divine Distortion Photography
image copyright to Divine Distortion Photography
image copyright to Divine Distortion Photography
image copyright to Divine Distortion Photography
image copyright to Divine Distortion Photography
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ehlers danlos diary 12/07/2015

my new job, even though, im VERY excited to get paid, is killing me! the pain is terrible, however, it gives me a very good reason to stay in bed all day, and i feel every bit of pain i have i, in turn, become stronger both mentally and physically.

pain levels:

ankles – slightly swollen, clicking, 1/5

knees – feeling loose, 3/5

wrists – fine.

shoulders – craking more than usual, feeling loose, 2/5

hips – better. 1/5

legs – my femur bones keep locking and cracking, 2/5

back – lower pain, aching, cracking, weakness feeling. 4/5

anxiety/mental stuff:

i feel much more relaxed now. i have a few days off work, getting paid next week. i no longer feel anxious and guilty for staying in bed, having long baths, never putting on makeup and taking care of myself.

however, me and my other half havent had sex in a couple of months down to my legs feeling weak and my medication killing my sex drive.. this is a worry. but he understands. i love him so much.

ehlers danlos diary 05/07/2015

pretty excited to start my new job on Wednesday and finally have some money over the summer. i moved out of halls for good yesterday and moved my stuff into my new house, most grown up thing ive ever done! it was so exciting. looking forward to starting my third year 🙂

pain levels:

ankles – fine.

knees – aching, cracking more than usual. 2/5

wrists – fine.

shoulders – fine

hips – cracking and locking alot.

legs – my femur bones keep locking and cracking, very painful. 5/5

back – lower pain, aching, cracking, weakness feeling high, 5/5 although much better after lower back yoga positions

anxiety/mental stuff:

as i said, im in a very good place at the moment. ive actually missed my medication past two days because im so happy. weve been experiencing storms.. and the weather keeps rapidly turning from boiling hot to drastic thunder-storm with heavy rain, somehow i feel even more calm, less mood swings.. because the world is having all my mood swings for me.

im very happy 🙂

ehlers danlos diary 01/07/2015

i woke this morning thinking, ahh, photos are done, i have another week befiore i start my new job, lay in!

pain levels:

ankles – aching, 1/5

knees – aching, shooting pain gone! 2/5

wrists – clicking and weak, 2/5

shoulders – aching, 2/5

hips – fine

back – lower pain, aching, cracking, weakness feeling high, 4/5

anxiety/mental stuff:

nervous about my new job, but i know that ill be among lots of people who feel the same as me. so thats helpful.

ehlers danlos diary 30/06/2015

IVE FINISHED MY PHOTOS

editing 300 photos takes forever. but ive done it and im getting paid later on today.

my boyfriend has the day off so we’re going for a meal tonight 🙂

pain levels:

ankles – aching, 2/3

knees – aching, weak, cant straighten legs completely without shooting pain 4/5

wrists – clicking and weak, 3/5 especially after editing all my images

shoulders – fine

hips – fine

back – lower pain, aching, cracking, weakness feeling high, 5/5 although much better after lower back yoga positions

anxiety/mental stuff:

ive found something else that helps me loads, i have splints, tens machine etc. but ive found that hemp oil is amazing for everything from pain relief and anti inflammatory and hair & nail growth and  eczema help. it’s so amazing for my skin and has rid of my dark circles under my eyes. also helps because im so pale. id highly recommend it.

🙂

ehlers danlos diary 29/06/2015

missed three whole days! or should i say hole days. i have to have an operation because there is a hole in my toe. yes, a hole in my toe. So ive been in bed doing what i can of my photography client work.

pain levels:

ankles – aching, slightly swollen, 3/5

knees – aching, weak, cant seem to straighten right leg without intense shooting pain. 5/5

wrists – clicking and weak, 2/5

shoulders – fine

hips – fine

back – lower pain, aching, cracking, weakness feeling high, 5/5

anxiety/mental stuff:

I HAVE A HAMSTER. shes beautiful and i will post some photos soon. she was seperated from the other female russian dwarves, also named winter whites, because they were picking on her and attacking her, and after that, no one wanted her! so i brought her home and gave her lots of love… and lettuce.

i really feel that being surrounded by adorable animals make you feel like theres much more positivity in the world.

how dare you share a beverage with another woman, you heathen you!

trust is a difficult thing, i could go on for years (literally) about what made me this way and what led me away from it but something happened today that made me realise how much ive changed

i was in my boyfriends car and there were two cans of coke in the cup holders, i asked him for a sip and he said ”oh that ones not mine” and when i asked who’s it was and he replied with a girl’s name, i couldn’t even explain the feeling i felt in my heart, and right at that moment i felt i had every right to feel that feeling but earlier today i realised that he’s exactly the sort of person to offer to drive his work friends home from work, and that’s one of the reasons why i love him so dearly.

this may seem like a small thing but it’s actually a huge sign of growth, it’s a big deal to someone who’s as paranoid, untrusting and anxious as me.